Satire

A Modest Proposal: Advice to parents worried that their lazy teenagers might grow up to live in the family basement forever. 

    Teenagers today are addicted to Netflix and video games and have become lazy. They no longer have the attention span required to get the marks needed to get a decent job in a highly competitive market. Even the few ambitious ones who emerge into the world of the living are immediately frightened by the reports of vicious competition for decent jobs in their generation, and immediately cower back to their kingdom, the basement. Parents have been giving heart and soul in an attempt to counteract this trend, but it has reached the point where there is nothing left to do. Money spent on tutors, extracurriculars, private schools, and sports in an attempt to pad their child’s resumes, are not working. Little Jane and Tommy don’t want to leave their kingdom of sitcoms, binge watching, and virtual reality and to be completely honest the shear amount of money that will be needed to get your child the job you feel they deserve is just not worth it. In fact, it would be much cheaper to just let your child stay there the rest of their life. So the solution, give in just let them stay.

    In fact when you think about this, the solution will benefit all parties. With all the money you save on tutors, school, extracurriculars etc. you will be able to give yourself the lifestyle you always dreamed of giving your child. The dream of giving the vast majority of your finances to your children in an attempt to let them live out the life you never got to is over as you can know give it to yourself. Just think of a villa on the French Riviera, cruising around the world, a chalet on the alps. And always remember that you’ll have a built in house sitter to walk the dog.

    As you grow older you will miss having someone to look after and might lose the will to live. It is a proven fact that people who have someone to take care of live longer. So having your offspring grow old with you well beyond traditional norms, may indeed be the path to immortality.

    Another great benefit of this solution is new technology. Lets face it, pretty soon you won't understand what is going on with products from your favourite companies like Google and Apple. Say you buy a new TV that has a new remote that you don't understand how to use. You now have a digital native living with you that can figure this stuff out for you. No longer will you suffer through 50 page manuals, you will always have someone to navigate the mysteries of the new remote control.

    A major fear of the elder working class is being pushed out of their jobs by someone younger. Fear no more! Now that all the young people are staying in their parent’s basements you can work until you die as no one will be coming up to fill your space.

    One of the major benefits that really made this solution a winner for me was suggested to me by a friend in Denmark. Denmark has always been ahead of the times when it comes to dealing with their young people. My friend says that he has a 32 year old daughter named Freja who lives in the basement. She is so still that the family has worked her into their seasonal decorating plans. He says that she looks most festive dressed up in a tinsel garland and Christmas bobbles.

    If you are worried about what will become of your precious basement-dwelling offspring one you have shuffled off this mortal coil, fear not! You have probably already payed your mortgage with the money you didn't spend on your child so at least they will own a house. And as your final act of parental love you can make one last trip to Costco to stock that basement with anything they might ever need.

The author, in the family basement.